When my sin I all that I can see..

"When my sin is all that I can see

Your grace remains the shelter that I seek

And when my weakness is all I can give

Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again"

Those words bring me such encouragement in times when I can't see past myself. It's safe to say that growing up, I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist. Perhaps it's just in my genes to be OCD about keeping a schedule and being on time, or at least having a clear, mental picture of what was going on two, three weeks down the road. It wasn't unusual of me to strive hard and practice until I got what I wanted, whether it be working out or playing basketball. Being the best (in my eyes) wasn't just a good feeling, it was mandatory. It's been awhile and I've actively been trying to give up this wayward perspective of life and find joy in humility, however it's still a present struggle in my walk, this perfectionism. So often I find myself falling short of my own expectations, thinking, since Christ has redeemed by life, I shouldn't be doing this or that anymore. But no matter what, imperfections and faults spring up everywhere, and if I'm not careful, I plunge into a world of self-condemnation. But His grace remains the shelter that I seek! I've learned that we're going to fall no matter what! My nature will constantly do what I do not want to do and ultimately God does not call me to change myself, but to look to Him. When all I see is my failure, I turn my eyes to the cross and I'm restored to do the joy of my salvation! Praise God that He's helped me to realize this and I am currently meditating on this now.

My struggles? I still struggle with the thought of studying. When it comes down to it, the sobering truth is that I do not want to study! So I scoff at myself and call myself lazy at first, but I think there's something more to that. It makes sense though. Things like recording music and basketball I have no problem doing it for His glory, because I have a passion for those activities. I don't really stop and question if it's really His will for me. But with studying, I still feel like God doesn't directly call me to study! So I tell myself, well if I really do want to do counseling, then I need to study to get to that place where God can use me to reach out to more people. But in return I ask myself, is it really necessary to earn an education before reaching out to people? Can't I do that without studying? Is studying and getting a job as an official psychologist really just an excuse to make money? Sure, go ahead and shake your head and regard these questions as absurd, but they're real to me, and I struggle. But I'm still pulling through because I know God will give me an answer in time.

I've also been reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan (A great read btw!) and there's a part where Chan really emphasizes giving to those in need. He even sold his house for a smaller one so he could serve more people while others threw salt on him, telling him he was just doing it "for show" or he should be more concerned about his family. He says that people may call it radical or hardcore Christian, but he's just doing what Christ asks us to do, and I respect him so much and am encouraged. I really do hope to get to a place where I can give freely and generously as Christ would. However, as I passed by Lollicup, wanting some boba tea, I shook my head and scolded myself, "No! People are going hungry out there and you want to indulge yourself with boba tea?". Then I stopped and wondered, WAIT. If everybody thought like that, nobody would buy Boba anymore. In fact, Lollicup exists just for people to indulge in expensive goodies like boba tea (I'm not hating on boba lol). But if this were the case, and people stopped buying, the the owner would go out of business. So then, is the owner doing something bad by opening this place that encourages spending and indulgence?

SO MANY USELESS QUESTIONS THAT NAG AT ME!

But now I can see past these questions and look at the cross, where Jesus overcame the world.