I can't do it.

I just couldn't do it right. Was my struggle in vain? Was it worth all this pain. Just yesterday in my biology class, I compromised my relationship with God. I failed. I told Him I would start again next semester, I just wasn't feeling this one. I just wanted to be with her. I just wanted to do my own thing. Live life. I didn't want to deal with God right now. There were just too many questions, too many issues I didn't understand. This went about for about 3 hours.

But I couldn't kid myself. Where was I running to? Back to myself? Back to the person who led me into my depression? I felt so ashamed walking into the dimly lighted sanctuary at church, but there I surrendered again to Christ. After the dating seminar, I knew I had to talk to her. Tell her I couldn't drag this on any longer. So I did. She understood.

But what now? Where am I now? Here I am, sitting on my couch in Orlando. Daydreaming. No motivation to do anything. The main issue now was how I viewed work. I knew I was supposed to seek first His kingdom. But what did that mean? Did that mean I had to be evangelizing every moment of my life? My brain seemed to scream that at me. I don't know why. I've been through this before. Maybe I was focusing on myself too much. Focusing too much on what I do and what I don't do, and not focusing on what He's done.

But then another voice snaps back, don't give me that excuse! Jesus commanded us to love one another, go do it. I'll put it out there, if you guys don't know already, I have a passion for writing music. In fact, I'm pretty passionate about Christian Hip Hop/Rap and I really want to start getting into it and composing music, maybe land a couple of CD's to give away. (People like Lecrae, Andy Mineo, etc. inspire me). But the thing is, I feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time studying or composing music (despite they are for God) because I should be sharing the gospel! And to be dead honest, with my heart right now, I don't want to! I just want to enjoy God's presence and His love for me, because I just don't feel strong enough to love others like that.

Is it so wrong to just focus on my academic and my music ministry?