Lukewarm.

It's incredible how fast things change. Amazing how fast I can go from being hopelessly depressed to dangerously apathetic and content. It's even difficult trying to remember how I felt when I was depressed, how I yearned just to be happy and at peace. It was then I clung on to God so desperately, because He was all that I had. I was broken and dependent on Him just to make it through the day. But now it all seems so far away and as I get to know more people and get more involved, I feel myself loosening the tight grip I held on God's hand as I slowly fall into this looming complacency. Lukewarm.

Things are okay now right? So it's okay if I start feeding my pride again..my lust..my desires. But at what cost? To lose fellowship with my Creator and Lover, the one who gives me purpose and direction? As Peter told Jesus, to whom shall we go? To these idols? As I sit here and reflect on my current condition, Satan doesn't hesitate to try to use this moment to confuse me again. To throw lies at me. Alex, you're all better now. I mean, was that even God in the first place anyway? I'm sure it was just some psychological thing.

and

Alex, you'll never improve... what's the point? You've come this far and "grown" so much, yet look at you now. Stumbling around in the wind. Is this real.

or

Alex face it. You'll always be prideful. The more you grow the more prideful you'll get. You'll always lust. Just forget it.

and finally,
Alex, how can you point others to Christ if you aren't living it? How can you point others to Christ confidently, if you yourself are doubting?!

God, deliver me from this! Deliver me from my idols! Deliver me from Satan and his temptations. Deliver me from my flesh because I know and believe it's not worth it. I don't have it all together and I'm having doubts... like Peter, I'm starting to drown in my own insecurity.

Jesus Christ I need you now.