Are You worth it.

The dim blue light from my computer reflects off my glasses as I scroll down Facebook. I click on her page, pause, and let out a sigh. Why did I feel this way? It didn't even make sense. I shook my head and exited the screen and closed my eyes. I didn't see this coming... didn't know I could get attached so easily. But I should have seen it coming. I spent hours with her everyday yet I had held my heart while ever fiber of my being screamed to give my heart away. It was a good feeling: the attention, the temporary euphoria I got when around her, as my other troubles seemed then to be so far away. Almost as if I was in a daze when I was around her, mesmerized by how she smelled. How she laughed.

I ran my fingers through my hair and shook my head again. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I knew it. I knew that if I were to dive into one now, this selfish love would seemingly, deceitfully satisfy me. I wouldn't need God, or I wouldn't want to. But that's not love, is it? Love is selfless. If I truly loved her, I would walk away right now.

But walk to where? God felt so distant. I know He loves me, but I want to feel it. I wanted to smell it and hold it. Being in a relationship seemed to offer me just that. I knew better. I knew it was just a hollow lie. A candy-coated, sweet smelling poison that would eat away at my soul if I indulged in it. But my flesh yearned for it.

I opened my bible, flipping through the pages blankly. I needed to believe God had something better for me. It was hard to believe that. I realize now, all my life, whenever I thought about happiness, it came in the form of a romantic relationship. I had no intention of changing that...but God did.

God, let me know You're worth it.